The Roadrunner

I hit a roadrunner today...

...and that sucks because I love roadrunners, they remind me of my grandma. She loved to watch them at her home in Arizona as they zipped through the field that was adjacent to her little white home. With the smell of orange blossoms on the morning breeze she would sit on her porch and make note of their comings and goings, of the lizards they caught for breakfast, and of which couples were raising chicks that year. 

She was a lot like a roadrunner herself. Fast and sharp and yet somehow fragile, and so every time I see one I feel her nearby which is amazing, because I miss her with an ache that never really goes away.

Today as my little commuter raced down the winding country road towards work I was not thinking about grandma or roadrunners at all. I was deep in thought about something which I thought was of paramount import. The music was up and I was zooming (yes zooming, think the Jetson's car noise) and completely engrossed in my own ponderings. The outside world was merely something to be minimally observed just so that I could maneuver my way safely to my goal.

It was somewhere in the middle of this self-absorption that the lovely little roadrunner darted in front of my car. I was going too fast to even brake and watched in horror as it disappeared under my bumper. When I glanced out the rear view mirror all I saw was a cloud of brown and black feathers suspended in the air. 

“Oh! I’m so sorry.” I voiced to the universe, but it did no good. I had killed that beautiful creature simply by barreling along, I had a goal to reach and little roadrunner had simply gotten in the way.

The situation brought two ideas to my consciousness. The first was that no matter how sorry I felt about hitting the roadrunner there was absolutely nothing I could do to bring it back. I had not set out to injure him but nonetheless he was now fertilizing the landscape because of me. The second idea was just as upsetting, I wondered in the past how many other creatures I had run over on my way without realizing. 

The fact of the matter is that even with our best intentions we are going to harm others as we make our way through life. Sometimes this comes because of selfishness and other times because we are unaware of the impact we are having on people and the natural world around us. Unfortunately, that does not negate the fact that we are indeed doing harm.

This of course is why we need the atonement through which a loving and magnificent Savior paid the entire price for all of our selfishness and the unintentional harm we create. He didn't just pay part of it, He paid all of it and Him asking us to do things like repent, be kind, and improve ourselves has no effect whatsoever on that payment. We don't have the ability to make payment for the dumb things we do. So why then does He ask us to do anything at all?

Consider the following analogy given by Brad Wilcox in a speech at BYU in 2011.

"Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child. Mom pays the piano teacher...Because Mom pays the debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for something. What is it? Practice! Does the child’s practice pay the piano teacher? No. Does the child’s practice repay Mom for paying the piano teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom’s incredible gift. It is how he takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving him to live his life at a higher level. Mom’s joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used—seeing her child improve. And so she continues to call for practice, practice, practice.

 If the child sees Mom’s requirement of practice as being too overbearing (“Gosh, Mom, why do I need to practice? None of the other kids have to practice! I’m just going to be a professional baseball player anyway!”), perhaps it is because he doesn't yet see with mom’s eyes. He doesn't see how much better his life could be if he would choose to live on a higher plane."

This understanding leads to two scriptures that initially seem to be in opposition of one another.

Matthew 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

I always used to wonder how can the rest promised in Matthew equate with the Lord showing me my weaknesses? Being shown my weaknesses is one of my least favorite things on earth. Just another item to beat myself over the head with. Reason number 2042 on my list of why I'm not good enough; doesn't sound like rest to me.

Once we see that the Savior pointing out our weaknesses is not done to show how short we are falling on paying our debt but an act of love which will lead us to a better life the shame goes out of it. I can know that I am a worthwhile person with flaws who God loves and that He sees the endless potential I have. He does not want me to beat myself up, instead He wants me to humble myself and become a little more like Him with each realization of weakness and the course correction that results. That is part of the rest that is promised.

Just living with our sins and weaknesses is draining but being made aware and them and with His help improving on those weaknesses gives us peace. Even when it takes a really long time to overcome those things that hang us up, and even when we mess the same things up over and over again, we can know that we are doing what He has asked and there is rest for our souls in that knowledge. We will also find that as we try we build spiritual muscles and become more loving and humble. We find through experience that we can trust that at some point He really will make all our weaknesses into strengths.

With the roadrunner this morning I was shown a weakness, a weakness in which I rush though life without paying enough attention to those around me be they birds or people. My goals are worthwhile but not more important than the impact I am having as I move toward them. I was shown that I can be more aware, slow down, and try to tread more carefully on my path. I can save the next roadrunner, I can pay attention to my teenage son when he tells me about the latest video game, I can be more patient with my co-workers, I can stop and be a listening ear to a friend in need. And while there is a great possibility that I have not seen the last roadrunner or armadillo or skunk disappear beneath my bumper I can do better at avoiding that possibility and eventually, with the Lord's help become perfect in that, and that gives me rest.

Cheers,

Brenda  

Personal Renovation

With the bombing of the Boston Marathon and the explosion and fire at the fertilizer plant which has devastated our neighbors in West, the news is full of suffering people. When these types of events happen, as with the trials that crop up in our own lives it is natural to ask the question "why?" Why are we called to suffer as a nation, as families, as individuals? How can a God who loves us infinitely put us through all of this? Why? Why...

"I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love" (2 Nephi 1:15)

Over the years as I have searched for the full answer I came across several messages that have instructed and comforted me. I share them with you.

C.S. Lewis: 

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.  He intends to come and live in it Himself."

"The command Be ye perfect is not idealistic gas. Nor is it a command to do the impossible. He is going to make us into creatures that can obey that command. He said (in the Bible) that we were 'gods' and He is going to make good His words. If we let Him—for we can prevent Him, if we choose—He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what He said."

Orson F. Whitney:

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father”

 In all of this, let us not forget that we do not walk alone in our personal renovation. 

“He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the Good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us (see Luke 10:34). Brothers and sisters, the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all.”

“Lucifer whispers that life’s not fair and that if the gospel were true, we would never have problems or disappointments. … The gospel isn’t a guarantee against tribulation. That would be like a test with no questions. Rather, the gospel is a guide for maneuvering through the challenges of life with a sense of purpose and direction.”

Comfort, perspective, and peace are found through our Savior Jesus Christ. The One who loves us perfectly and has suffered what we suffer. As we follow Him and allow our trials to transform us into what He knows we can become I know that He smiles and "encircles us in the arms of His love."

Prayers today for all those who suffer.

Cheers,

Brenda 

A Serious Post

Over the blissfully free-from-work-and-school Thanksgiving break my eight year old daughter Bella accidentally dropped a large can of beans on her big toe. (The ranch style beans with brown sugar everybody loves.) Any other kid would have howled in pain and run immediately into the arms of a comforting parent. Instead Bella calmly walked to her bedroom and cried into her pillow. Once in control of herself she put on her socks and shoes and limped back to her usual activities not telling anyone about the mishap. 

Later in the day I asked her why she was wearing her shoes in the house. This was not normal for her but she told me that her feet were cold and gave me the Bella look that means “don’t ask me again”. Rather than get into it with her I let it go at that.

Two days passed and she began limping rather noticeably. She continued to hide her injury until Buns and I physically pinned her down and made her let us look at her foot. Once we got her sparkly tennis shoes and color coordinated socks off it unveiled a twice the normal size, throbbing, purple ghoulish toe.

I tried to keep my face calm but inwardly I was screeching and flailing my arms around. “Holy cats! How have you not been writhing on the floor in agony with that monstrosity?” was my thought.

When we told her we needed to go see the family doctor to have it checked out huge tears began to run down her cheeks. “Oh baby, he’s just going to look at it. No shots.” I promised, hoping desperately not to be a liar. She didn’t say anything, just continued to look at me with those wide-open tear filled brown eyes that transmitted the fear she felt like an electric current.

The next morning I loaded her in the car and we drove to the doctor’s office. She sat quietly in the back seat and didn’t say a word as I tried to tell lame jokes and take her mind off what was coming. I could tell she was hurting and afraid of what was going to happen. A sad sigh would escape now and then and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes in the rear view mirror.

We arrived and after a miraculously short wait we found ourselves in the small examination room with the doctor. “Wow, what happened to you?” he said with a smile. This was more than she could handle and finally collapsed into a sobbing mass on the table.

Once it was determined that the bone wasn’t broken he told us that all the pain was coming from pressure under the toenail and that it needed to be lanced. He would heat up a needle and make two small holes in the nail to let the blood drain out.

Bella was really brave as this was all going on and consented to let him go ahead. I stood up by her head and held her so she couldn’t see as she went through what seemed to me to be some kind of medieval torture that had been tweaked into a modern medical practice.

As soon as the doctor pierced the nail blood began gushing out of her toe. This continued as he made the second and then applied pressure to finish the job off. Amazingly, there was almost an immediate reprieve on Bella’s side, although I was near hyperventilating. “Oh that feels better” she said with relief in her voice. She was bandaged up by the nurse and sent home much happier.

That afternoon as I contemplated the situation I realized that there was a message in that situation that I needed to hear.  

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to cover painful incidents in my life with achievements and completed projects. Instead of dealing with the unpleasant emotions that came from the trials of my life I did my best to bury them. I’ve done this by deliberately not thinking about them and frantically wrapping them up with accomplishments and other behaviors as I try to banish the pain those circumstances caused.

The state of affairs with Bella helped me to see that because I’ve been avoiding these thoughts and feelings, I’m not allowing the Savior to do what is needed to heal me. I'm limping around with a bruised and battered spiritual toe refusing to let anyone look at it. I am going to have to be brave and let Him lance it so that the pressure that has been building up over the years can come out.

This is going to require humility, which I am no good at, and faith. Something I thought I had in abundance but now realize needs some work. I’m going to have to stop giving lip service to the atonement when it comes to emotional pain, and actually trust Him to let it work in my life. No more counterfeiting.

With this in mind, last night I got into the car and went somewhere that will help get me on the right track. It was terrifying to admit to others that I was indeed an actual mess and not just the funny one I pretend to be. That with all the incredible things the Lord blesses me with, I still struggle deeply to trust Him when it comes to this area. It was freeing, it was honest, and there were people there just like me.

Today I’m hopeful. I feel good. This is going to be a challenge and it is going to hurt, but with God's help I know it may be one of the best things I ever do and the first step has already brought relief.  

It’s time to finally see the doctor and heal this toe.

Cheers,

Brenda