Saturday, September 14, 2013

Proper Etiquette for Young Ladies

Oi vey people. This whole Miley Cyrus circus of repulsiveness lately has led to thought on my part. Dangerous I know.

In this post I will not lament on how as a culture we are sexualizing children or have located ourselves squarely on the deck of the Titanic as a civilization because of our collective nastiness. That has been done much more effectively and eloquently than I can manage. Instead I find myself wondering what happened to good old social convention, you know manners and such. It used to be important, so much so that way back people even wrote books about it, and other people read that and adhered to some of it. Were any of those old rules based in something deeper?

On meeting a lady on the street

I found myself wondering what such a literary work would look like today, so I humbly submit the following with current social standards in place.

Here are just a few of the things a lady must keep in mind:
  • Proper young ladies should indulge in cosmetics, hair-dyes or other forms of insincerity in their personal appearance. Make-up should be applied so that the wearer is indistinguishable from a 45 year old truck stop waitress. Tattoos should be acquired as soon as possible without regard to the fact that as they get older that beautiful flower on the lower back will start looking like a dead bloated dog carcass.
  • Ladies should wear bling at all times possible and loudly broadcast how much the said bling was purchased for.
  • Under no circumstances should an unmarried young woman be accompanied by a chaperon when she goes out. There is no need to ensure that she is innocent or to compel others to respect her innocence. Girls as young as grade school should be dressed like adults and encouraged by parents, media, and other sources to date and become intimately active as soon as possible.
  • The primary mode of communication should be text message. Most especially when standing directly next to another person this technique should be employed. When cell service is unavailable a good conversationalist should be possessed of much information on the latest Boy Bands and Perez Hilton gossip. Acquired keen observation, attentive listening, a good memory, and logical habits of thought are unnecessary and unattractive.
  • Characteristics of a well-educated lady include demeaning men and using all possible strategy to emotionally destroy any other young ladies deemed competition. She uses vulgarisms, flippancy, coarseness, triviality and provocation in her speech.
  • A lady is unsympathetic, selfish and has no patience listening to others unless they are speaking about her. To show any interest in the immediate concerns of other people is very uncomplimentary. She must maintain herself as the only acceptable topic with one exception. Embellished and salacious stories about celebrities and classmates is required in all polite conversation.
  • A lady publicizes all exhibitions of temper before others. Whether grief or joy, emotions should be recorded and posted on Youtube, Facebook, and Twitter. The performance must be as dramatic as possible to get an acceptable number of views.
  • At a dance, a lady may refuse to dance with any gentleman who invites her by shamelessly snubbing him and then making comments about him to her friends. However, should a lady take interest in a young gentleman she should approach him first and then proceed to gyrate like a pole dancer once the music begins. An unattached lady must pair off immediately and spend the rest of the dance in a dark corner with her beau.
  • A lady is never seen in a ball-room with sleeves. Attire must be covered in sequins and short enough to leave nothing to the imagination. A spray on tan and heavy make-up must also be acquired to fulfill social protocol.

I could go on but you get the point. And yes I am a middle-aged fuddy duddy but for Pete's sake just because an idea has been around for a while doesn't make it any less worthy. This is not a call to return to corsets and girls who can't vote or speak for themselves. Obviously, there were problems back then too but there was something else buried under all the bowing and curtsying. There was a respect for oneself and others.

What I ask is for women everywhere to realize who they are, daughters of God who make an indelible mark on the world around them. Being kind, polite, modest, and virtuous both inside and out elevates yourself and everyone around you. Fight the filth in the world, cultivate the good that is inherently a part of your being, avoid the garbage- you know exactly what it is. Anything that makes you feel like less than a fabulous, incredible, good person who could stand in the presence of God without fear or guilt is it.

Reject the plastic revolting lies that media and evil people out to make a quick buck sell to you. You do not have to take your clothes off for guys to like you. The real men worth having won't have anything to do with the Miley's and Rhianna's of the world. They respect and love women too much to put up with girls who demean themselves.

Truly beautiful is the girl or woman who walks in the knowledge of her eternal worth, who keeps herself clean, and who shows who she is in every action. Manners rooted in respect are just one way of demonstrating that. Respect is where happiness is found so let's get off the Titanic, we know where it goes.

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